Babe I have a headache! Why men can also feign headache in bed

A typical man has two very vital stem-like structures- the medulla oblongata and the ‘medulla oblophallus.’ Neither serves the function of thinking. But it is often assumed that men allow the phallus to do the reasoning more than the cerebrum.

In fact, women are socialized culturally and through mass media into believing that all men think about is who, when, how to lay. No sisters, some would rather watch Lucipher season five, CNN or read about boring stuff like why communism is better than democracy than ogle at naked women on Insta and woo anything that is doable.

It should, however, worry you Ma’am when your man is on the other side of the loop, dishing catalogue of excuses from fatigue, to migraines, to a full stomach to fasting and prying just to avoid dipping into your honeypot.

He could be great partner, impeccable conversationalist, quite thoughtful, kind, provides but when it comes to the sack, he enthusiasm wanes and even these things women do like pulling blanket and shoving the dude around with their ass in bed when they need sexual attention does not seem to work.

No mama, he does not ply for the same team, neither is he getting the good –good from another restaurant, here let me save you the agony. It could be you! Younger men might still be susceptible to falling captives of sexual exuberance but as a man gets older; he becomes more discerning of his sexual partners. They have been there, done it and have gained experience that they do not want to waste. And sex becomes more than just dipping and thrusting to them, it denotes an attachment of more than just the body and compatibility becomes key. Without which, sex would seem like washing utensils; you hate it but you have to do it.

Your mistake number one: You are boring and lazy. Bland and banal sex is such an energy supping joy killer. A good number of women have enviable makeup application skills but zilch lovemaking prowess. A lady will look well cleaned up, smell great until it is time for consummation only for the man to realize he shipped an Egyptian mummy that has been in the pyramid tomb for centuries. She can barely lift her waist and the least she does is groan like broken down Nigerian generator.

And when his efforts are continuously less reciprocated by your selfish bum, his gusto slowly becomes deflated like air from a tyre that finally causes a puncture and he would rather watch football repeats until midnight when you are long communicating with your ancestors. Listen, no one is asking you to be a sex Dexter or compete Mia Khalifa who is retired, by the way, I am just saying (backed by science, religion and tradition) that intimacy is a huge part of a relationship and so quit being a mannequin and be a freak!

2. If a man wanted a barking pet, he could easily domesticate a coyote or get a shepherd. He wants a partner, homemaker. How is a man going to touch you when you turn into a human FM the moment he walks through the door with incessant snide, questions and nags- you are snarling like a jaguar in the jungle over shopping money that you can ask about when he has eaten and is relaxed. Come on, be nice for a change. Some hot meal, a smile and some warmth can go along way into igniting the bedroom tiger in him.

3. Eff you power games. If you want to be a guru in the art of manipulation, try politics or the world of cartel. It confounds me why women use sex as a weapon and petty, domestic power moves in the home. You withdraw sex to protest over things mere communication or other means can solve. I do not know about you but I do not joke with my orgasms. Baby I’mma do you good in the sheets then we will pick the argument from where we stopped! If you have to make him beg for it, it is only a matter of time before he says ‘kaa ni hiyo kitu yako bas.’

4. You are too aggressive in the sack. Well, some ladies are too hot-blooded. This may work well if you get younger dude but imagine expecting a 47-year-old dude who is battling mid-life crisis, a rescinding hairline, increasing responsibilities and a bad regime like Jubilee to hump you like Antonio Banderas shoots his guns! Of course, he is going to feign headaches! Because an archetype man would rather avoid hitting it than risk underperforming. A verbal jab at his sexual inadequacy- perceived or real; intended or otherwise can take him years to recover from. It causes more trauma than anything else.

It is a little wonder that most married men would rather have a mistress or take longer in the bathroom beating the meat and taking matters in their own hands because they are still active the same thing devoid of wifey drama.