On March 22, 2012, a little-known character by the very fishy name of Dennis Itumbi was dramatically arrested near Embu and driven, at an unusually wild speed, to Nairobi where he would later be thrown behind bars and arraigned for several ICC-related digital crimes.
He was later released on March 26 the same year, as the ICC hotly pursued suspects of 2007-08 post-election violence.
And that was when Kenyans were introduced to this oddly-named dude with a penchant for controversial online posts and petty tiffs with fellow blogger Robert Alai.
As if to match with his second name, Itumbi immediately presented himself as an online egghead.
And immediately grew a fervent following that grew with each passing day.
As his notoriety grew, the 2013 electioneering season was quickly beckoning and Itumbi, who was whispered to had been great friends with the then Deputy Prime Minister Uhuru Kenyatta, quickly became one of the most visible – and feisty- figures of Kenyatta’s Election Machine.
To woo over a deeply-religious Country, Itumbi, ever the sly fox, even started the pithy ‘Pastor’s Moment’ segments where he would share cheesy Bible-laced posts to an audience that he wanted to appeal to and win over.
The elections came and went and, in the hassle that followed after the Inauguration, Itumbi was quickly picked up by President Uhuru and fixed in some office with a role that was not only ambiguous but also, to be honest, ludicrous.
He was now, officially, to be known as the Secretary Digital, Innovations and Diaspora Communications at State House. Ummm, Excuse me??
No sooner had he started on his official role as Secretary of Whatever-That -Was than his troubles with his seniors started.
Before long, cracks had started to emerge and he would soon be summoned to State House, alongside his Digital Team, where the President is said to have harshly read him the riot act and commanded him to respect his Boss Manoah Esipisu, now Kenya’s envoy to the UK.
Itumbi, drunk with power and the trappings afforded to him, had started undercutting his Boss and making wild and unauthenticated tweets that contradicted with the official word from the Government.
He soon became a Government nuisance. Tweeting away whatever he wished. Appearing on TV Shows to blabber away whatever he wanted. Taking up online combats and putting up a very cringey and sycophantic defense of the Government.
Itumbi, in his wild thoughts, seemed to think he was The Government.
He blundered his way through state House, antagonized people he should have been respecting, made alliances with characters he should have avoided and constantly shot his flabby mouth off.
And as his roguery continued, and the unfiltered tweets and the random – and embarrassing- online blunders, The President decided to boot this churlish boy from Kirinyaga from State House. And in his place, former Citizen TV Anchor Kanze Dena was picked to present a, for the love of God, sane channel of communication from the Government.
Even the contradictory State House Twitter Accounts that Itumbi and his boys had started were all quashed and permanently deleted.
There needed some sanity in Government. And Itumbi seemed to far gone in the jiggery-pokery to provide that.
Unbowed, he quickly jumped from The Presidency to the Deputy Presidency where the unabashedness continued. This time, with greater ramifications.
Ever the Government Matador, Itumbi took to William Ruto like a snake to a lagoon. At Harambee Annex, he became more emboldened, feistier, more abrasive and more combative.
His eyes were now trained on 2022. And, just like in 2012, he was prepared to fight tooth and nail for the Number Two.
And then Jackie Maribe happened. And what an embarrassing episode of cheap chessiness and cringey mawkishness was that.
And as the Tanga Tanga and Kieleweke factions got steamier and steamier, Itumbi bared his fangs and decided to put up the Mother Of All Battles.
No one was safe… Not Raila Odinga. Not Governor Anne Waiguru. No One.
His man has to become the Next President of Kenya. One thoughtless tweet at a time.
Reggae had to be stopped and Itumbi had just the right instruments for that. A Twitter account, of course, and a little knowledge on recklessness.
All this time, the President and his men watched carefully – and thoughtfully. The President had let this man reign supreme for far too long. He had allowed this man, and his team of fellow know-nothings, run amok for way too long. It was time to clip this Lammergeier’s wings and humble him as he had not seen before.
And on his birthday, with the weight of the fake assassination letters, Echesa saga, incongruent COVID-19 ramblings and messy tweets heavy on his ageing back, The Presidency striked.
The egg had just been flung across the walls of State House, crashing and splattering everywhere.
Itumbi was sacked. On his birthday.
What a gift, what a cummapance and what a Wild Boy from Kirinyaga.